It’s a struggle to wear Hijab for many Muslim women, but what if your neuro-divergent and have ADHD?
Im a convert to Islam, I wear hijab but haven’t always, it’s been on and off since I converted over 18 years ago. My hijab has suffered much abuse over the years as it has many styles, colours and fabrics, not to mention my poor hair underneath that has lost its lustre, been scraped back in a bun for half of its life, and pulled at so many times out of sheer frustration because its existence has caused me so much frustration (and that was before hijab when my carmens failed to create a 90’s look that would put Anna Nicole Smiths ‘do’ to shame). But yes, I have had been known to rip off my own hijab (at home!) and pull my hair out of sheer anger only to collapse into a heap of tears.
If your still reading this far don’t worry (and don’t even think about “reminding” me) I am not about to convince you why I wear it, nor will I attempt to convince those who don’t that you should. Let’s keep this part short- I wear it as Allah says so, and I believe in His wisdom, oh and fellas- hijab has nothing to do with your gaze, per-leeeazzze! But, Allah knows, my surrender to it doesn’t mean I like it, I often loath it, but I get it- khalas as they say in arabic!
This blog is about why hijab is so difficult for me with ADHD – despite all my research, and all my experience wearing it and not wearing it, this is not an intellectual battle, nor is this struggle about interpretation, culture or the ‘times’ we live in- well actually yes it is often all about this, but underneath all of this lies a hidden driving force to why it is so friggin’ hard to wear hijab when you have ADHD! – RSD- Rejection sensitivity disorder.
ADHD is news to me although i’ve likely had it since birth so say some scientists, where as other’s say its trauma induced – whatever its a chicken and egg debate to me as the cause is irrelevant, I have it and I only found out about a year ago! I know crazy yes? Ive been a psychotherapist for over ten years and had never been told, nor did I figure this out until someone literally asked me ‘are you neuro-divergent?‘ Huh?
The rest of my ADHD discovery is a long story which moves about rather hyperactively between doubt, revelation, denial, acceptance, grief, loss and eventual self love! Ive written my PhD on it – no lie, its in the lap top struggling to emerge as some kind of coherent thesis – it may never get completed either as I have ADHD!
Back to hijab, Adhd & RSD (sorry distraction!- a common complaint)….when the pennies began to drop and the “veil” was lifted from my eyes to this diagnosis I began to realise why hijab got to me so much despite my understanding and acceptance of it. Ever heard of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)? Apparently, according to the psychiatrist who I recently met who actually understands ADHD (sadly not all do) and how it can present in reality, Adhd is all about RSD. It is not just about a lack of attention (we have too much attention!) or visible hyperactivity (mines mostly internal), nor is it about ‘E’ numbers, excessive screen time or naughty boys who can’t sit still (ashamedly I once presumed this was Adhd too), ADHD has hidden talents as well as torturous symptoms and is an under-diagnosed ticking time bomb that is about to blow the NHS apart. – no i’m not a terrorist – just though i’d get that in there in case I’m being mi5 screened for this blog- well arn’t all converts?
So back lets get back on track ….
How does Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) Impact Hijabis?
- Hijabis with ADHD have more than usual, intense heightened emotions and frustration, about looks, stares comments, hate crime (understandably) for wearing hijab – either negative or positive attention – it can be perceived as criticism and rejection
- perceived criticism often ends in an internal or external reaction in volatile ways not correlating to the issue/event.
- The emotional traits of ADHD is linked to impulsivity (not thinking through solutions and often making things worse), hyperactivity (doing what needs to be done without thinking to make things better) and inattention (misreading or missing crucial information as a result of being distracted).
- RSD effects how we respond and react- the hyper-arousal part of ADHD is where we struggle to distinguish between dangerous threats and minor problems.
- Females (especially) with ADHD tend to be people-pleasers, over workers and perfectionists doing all we can to ensure there’s no room for criticism. It’s about making Allah proud, but also our family and/or culture (s), society or when applying for jobs in our hijabs or going swimming in it or not- because we are scared we will be judged, misunderstood or rejected for OUR CHOICE to wear it or not.
- Hijabis may downplay the struggle for fear of other hijabis rejecting them or Muslims rejecting
- Hijabis often ‘mask up’ take it off, wear it differently, wear niqab or ‘fake it until they make it’ to lower or meet other people’s expectations and avoid the pain of rejection
- RSD is also about being easily embarrassed, setting standards and expectations so high that no one (especially you) can’t meet them – an example of this is wearing hijab too soon after conversion (in revelation order of the Quran ‘hijab’ verses came down years later) – its a gradual process- don’t force it!
- ADHD RSD causes awful low self-esteem and terrible anxiety (generalised and social), our appearance can really matter
- Social anxiety is a real thing and hijab can add to our social isolation for wearing it or not wearing it, or wearing it differently.
- In some cases, the ADHD hijabi will live a solo existence out of fear they’ll be rejected, they can self-sabotage relationships and friendships to avoid their imagined rejection, keep quite in the school playground and worse self harm, or end their own life (probably not over hijab but it can be just one more catalyst towards self harm and or suicide) – yes this is highly prevalent amongst ADHDers.
So Hijabis with ADHD – or no ADHD- all Hijabis, we see you for your inner strength and bravery and hear your daily struggle, and if you do not struggle and think were begin overly sensitive or caring too much what others think …keep your “reminders” to yourself – were not stupid, nor do we need more faith, we just process differently but we get it, boy we get it! and most probably faster and deeper than those who judge! (our secret superpower!)
(coming soon ‘secrets of the khimar’ – cognitive functioning-toxic exposure-and protection to receive Ruh- one day in the imagined future on my to do list under a pile of other thoughts)
salaamsolutions.com 